1.  while zooming through the yale tunnel at 100kms/hour, you can still get out your day pack, find the sunscreen you dropped in the bottom of it, remove your rings, and apply it to your thighs and left arm.  of course, it will be too late for all three.

 

2.  long hair and fans are bad enough - only a complete idiot would add lip gloss.  carmex isn't much better, but at least it's necessary.

 

3.  when i reach alexandra, i will remember what the muscle rub in my bathroom cupboard is for.

 

4.  water, water, for god's sake, water!

 

5.  the strength of my bladder is proportionate to the number of rvs i have passed and will have to pass again if i pull off.

 

6.  the pocket-sized fm transmitter is the best thing to happen to the road trip since god installed his first 8-track tape player.

 

7.  upon arriving in cache creek, i will be able to drink a full 1.5 litres of water without stopping.  then i will visit a very nice little girls' room at the husky station.

 

8.  the "hundred miles" from cache creek to 100 mile house go by surprisingly quickly when you don't realize you're going 140kms/hour.

 

9.  there is a reason they only let you go 90kms/hour east of bridge lake.  and another why you should be doing considerably less when crossing the railway tracks at lone butte.

 

10.  no matter what you think you're going to eat, bring mustard.

 

11.  see #4 and insert "bug spray" where it says "water".

 

12.  if i'm going to be in charge of my own fires, i must add newspaper to my road trip check list.  either that, or be prepared to replace my map each morning.

 

13.  spending the night in clearwater means spending the morning washing dead bugs out of your hair.

 

14.  mosquito bites don't itch while you're driving.  they're a bitch when you stop, though.

 

15.  the testosterone level on alberta highways is so thick you can't see out your windshield.

 

16.  nobody will thank you for letting them pass.  except commercial drivers.  the commercial driver is the last blotch of civility on the highway today.

 

17.  road crew flag people will look at you funny when you thank them.

 

18.  i may as well buy things when I see them, because i'll pick them all up when i go back for that "one" thing i changed my mind about.

 

19.  bringing your makeup case only makes sense if you didn't leave your eye shadow, eye liner, mascara and eyelash curler on the coffee table at home when you used them last.

 

20.  you accumulate way more dead bugs east of the rockies than you do west of them.  and they're much yuckier.

 

21.  the worst customer service on earth is to be found at the wendy's/tim horton's restaurant in edson, alberta.  wendy's redeems itself, though, with the best customer service of the trip in salmon arm, bc.  they're lucky i like their food, or we wouldn't know that.

 

22.  as wonderful as road tripping is, it's only wonderful up to the eastern gate of the national parks.  there is nothing - and i mean nothing - remarkable about any scenery in alberta, unless you get turned on by the sight of dirty f350 pickup trucks.  until you get to dinosaur provincial park.  then you've got...uh...maybe twenty minutes of great scenery before going back to brown grass and snakes.

 

23.  buy gas in golden.  it won't be that cheap again until tappen.

 

24.  where my grandfather's grave no longer makes me cry, now his memorial bench does.

 

25.  i really want to fuck the guy who invented the pocket-sized fm transmitter.

 

26.  petrocan is at the bottom of the hill, dammit!

 

27.  salmon arm has finally seen the wisdom of giving pedro's fruit stand it's own turn lane.

 

28.  tell people you're coming home on the 5th and your phone will start ringing that morning at 10:00.

 

29.  grape float ice cream isn't bad.

 

30.  in salmon arm, a single cone is still enough for a meal.

 

31.  seriously...the guy who invented the pocket-sized fm transmitter can have free head for life.

 

32.  and steve earle.  steve earle can have free head too.

 

33.  i need to start keeping a list of all the men i've decided can have free head.  fm transmitter guy...steve earle...jim steinman....

 

34.  the first time you think, "i should probably pull the car off the road and wait out this rain," is the correct time to pull the car off the road and wait out the rain.

 

35.  spotting fork lightening prior to the flash flood:  "that is so cool!"  spotting fork lightening following the flash flood:  "oh, shit."

 

36.  manning park needs to add an "otter crossing" sign to all of their "deer crossing" signs.

 

37.  after several hours of being pelted with hail, nearly running the car off the road just trying to pull over, and hydroplaning into on-coming traffic, even stopping at mcdonald's starts to sound good.